Saturday 28 September 2013

Barclays

>Asheesh Pant has entered the chat
>You wrote: I need to make a bank transfer please
>Asheesh Pant: Welcome to Barclays webchat services. I will be glad to assist you with the relevant information
>Asheesh Pant: Good afternoon, Tim. May I ask you a few questions to guide you through the entire procedure?
>You wrote: you may
>Asheesh Pant: Thank you for your consent. May i know, are you planning to transfer funds within your own accounts at Barclays?
>You wrote: Nope. To this person. J Smith, xx-xx-xx, xxxxxxxx
>Asheesh Pant: Thank you for confirming this. I would request you not to share any personal information during this chat for security reasons
>Asheesh Pant: Tim, you can process this transaction online (if you login using pin sentry), over the phone (if you are registered for telephone banking) or at the branch.
>You wrote: I can't use pin sentry as my phone app doesn't work since I updated to ios7, i'm not registered for telephone banking and the branch is shut.
>You wrote: Hello?
>You wrote: ?
>You wrote: ?
>Asheesh Pant: I am sorry for the delay. I was experiencing some problem with the system.
>You wrote: ahh, the system
>Asheesh Pant: May I know are you registered for online banking?
>You wrote: yes
>You wrote: but i don't have the internet
>You wrote: and I don't have a pin sentry
>You wrote: it broke
>You wrote: the dog ate it
>You wrote: :(
>Asheesh Pant: Oh! I see. May I know, have you made payment to this beneficiary in the past?
>You wrote: Nope
>You wrote: Mr Pant?
>You wrote: Mr Pannnt?
>You wrote: hello?
>Asheesh Pant: I realise how important it must be for you to process this payment. unfortunately it could have been processed online, over the phone or at a branch, which is not a viable option for you right now. Could you confirm the name of your branch nearest to your place?
>You wrote: ummm, dalston, london?
>Asheesh Pant: I can check the branches in your vicinity where these payments can be processed.
>You wrote: I don't know where the branch is
>You wrote: and i have a bad leg
>You wrote: if you make the payment for me (on the sly) i won't tell anyone
>You wrote: it will be our secret
>Asheesh Pant: Tim, I would have gladly done it for you if I would have had the access to your account details and the provision to process this payment.
>Asheesh Pant: I do not have access to your account information due to security reasons to process the payment at my end.
>You wrote: what are we going to do?
>Asheesh Pant: Tim, I can assist you with the contact details of all the branches in your vicinity. This will help you decide the most convenient option.
>You wrote: OK then. I hope they won't mind me being a frightful bother on a Saturday.
>Asheesh Pant: Tim, we value your association with us. The branch representative will be happy to assist you.
>Asheesh Pant: The nearest branch I could find was at Hackney. Will that be fine with you.
>You wrote: yes. please let me have the details of the representative who represents the Hackney branch.
>You wrote: my poor leg!
>You wrote: I'll NEVER forgive that dog for eating my pin sentry
>You wrote: what a fuss this all is
>Asheesh Pant: I can understand how cumbersome it must be for you to visit a branch in the condition that you are in. I wish you a speedy recovery. The Hackney branch is open until 4pm today.
>You wrote: Thank you Asheesh. You're a fine fellow
>Asheesh Pant: I wish I could have processed this payment for you.
>Asheesh Pant: The name of the cashier is S**** B**** and the address of the branch is
>Asheesh Pant: 298 Mare Street
Hackney
London
E8 1HF
United Kingdom
>Asheesh Pant: I would suggest you order a pin sentry as well. It is available free of charge for Barclays customers at this branch.
>You wrote: oh that's a good idea. will keep this one well away from that naughty dog
>Asheesh Pant: Thank you for being generous and considerate with your observation about me.
>You wrote: honestly, you don't see me trying to log in to barclays online with his bone, so I don't see why he should chew my pin sentry
>Asheesh Pant: I hope the dog will realise his folly the next time.
>You wrote: well it's his loss, since it was his account I was trying to transfer all this money to.
>You wrote: Right, I'd better be going. I've got water aerobics in half an hour.
>Asheesh Pant: It was a pleasure chatting with you.
>Asheesh Pant: I wish you a pleasant day ahead and a great weekend.
>You wrote: you too, Ashesh. Toodle pip!
>Asheesh Pant: Thank you.
>Asheesh Pant: Take care.
>You wrote: Bye!

Wednesday 25 September 2013

Naked Wines

From: rowan@nakedwines.co.uk
Date: 14 September 2013 10:31
To: Tim Broughton
Subject: Um...we owe you £154.33 of wine

Dear Tim,
We've got your money AND your wine. That is NOT good!
You save your money with us every month, but you haven't been online to see what you're paying for. I've tried calling you, but we seem to keep missing each other.
We owe you £154.33 of wine. And I?m starting to lose sleep over it...
I think it's time we gave you a little extra love. I know you're a busy person, so I have a no-nonsense proposal for you:
Give me one chance to get you some wines that?ll blow your socks off...
If I get it right, you get sensational wines, handpicked by someone who knows their stuff around your personal tastes, and I get a clean conscience.
If I get it wrong, I will refund you in full, immediately.
All you need to do is hit reply and say:
Yes please (plus any specific instructions e.g. Red/White only etc)
Kind regards,
Nikki Cook
Your very anxious Wine Advisor
Ps. If there's anything else I can sort out for you, or something that we need to put right, please let me know and I'll be more than happy to help you.


From: Tim Broughton
Date: 16 September 2013 12:24
To: rowan@nakedwines.co.uk
Subject: Re: Um...we owe you £154.33 of wine

Nikki, honey, don't worry about it. I'm in a strange place at the moment - doing my best hobo impression. Been surfing the couchwave for a couple of months now, whilst waiting to buy a house. Those wine bottles of yours (or technically mine) are mighty heavy and I've got enough to be shunting around from pillar to post.

Hey, join me on a little imaginary adventure, one that leads me to the front door of my new flat. And what's this in my hands? It's the keys! Yep, I'm opening the door and following an amorous chatter from the kitchen. And look who's there - it's all my pals who have kindly put me up for the last couple of months. Hurray! I've invited them round for dinner to say thanks and they all cheer when I walk into the room. And how do we celebrate? By cracking open the case or two from Naked wines! And now we're guzzly greedily the contents, laughing and cheering as the sprightly whites and robust wines splash over our faces, gushing down our torsos. And we're laughing and shrieking and now the cries are turning to screams and there's suddenly sharpness and and urgency to the curdling cries. And the red wine which sloshes across us seems tacky and syrupy and it isn't wine at all but bloo...

WOAH THERE, NIKKI!

WAY too far with the imaginery adventure!! WAY TOO FAR.

Anyway, don't worry. I'll be in touch to claim by bounty in due course.

Kind regards

Tim



From: rowan@nakedwines.co.uk
Date: 16 September 2013 15:28
To: Tim Broughton
Subject: Re: Re: Um...we owe you £154.33 of wine

Hi Tim, 

Thanks for your reply, can I consider this my invite?! 

Kind regards 
Nikki @ naked wines 

P.s If you need a hand with anything (wine related not removals) you know where we are! 



From: Tim Broughton
Date: 16 September 2013 17:37
To: rowan@nakedwines.co.uk
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Um...we owe you £154.33 of wine

Well that depends, Nikki.

On whether you are who you say you are... or are you ROWAN?

In all seriousness, of course you're invited. You can bring Rowan as well. Could could deliver the wine by hand! Now that's customer service. We could probably spin some publicity out of it - I can see the headlines now 'Kooky email leads to personal delivery of wine'. Hmmm, I'm clearly no journalist, but there's definitely something in it. 

Have your people sit down with my people for a speed powwow.

Tim



From: rowan@nakedwines.co.uk
Date: 17 September 2013 16:25
To: Tim Broughton
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Um...we owe you £154.33 of wine

Hi Tim, 

I've been called many things but never Rowan! Give me a shout when you have your new address and I'll make sure you get the right wines so your friends forgive you for all this sofa surfing! 

Nikki @ naked wines